By: Regina Bellatrix
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Rating: G Spoilers: through Epiphany Word Count: 5324 Betas: Queen B, Reedfem, and shakespearespot Cover Art by mutecornett
From where she stood, Teyla had an unobstructed view through the transparent walls of Weir’s office. Both of the women within looked relaxed, as if they were done with business and taking advantage of the already blocked off time to simply chat. Teyla gave them a few more moments, but as soon as Heightmeyer reached out to gather up her things, she made her move.
“Of course, Teyla. Doctor Heightmeyer and I just finished with our meeting, and she was on her way out.” “Actually, if she has the time, I would like to include Doctor Heightmeyer, as well.” She turned a questioning gaze on Heightmeyer, who smiled at her and retook the seat she had just vacated. “I don’t have anything scheduled for a while.” “Alright, then. Pull up a chair, Teyla,” said Weir, gesturing to the empty seat next to Heightmeyer. “Tell us what’s on your mind.”
“Did you want Doctor Heightmeyer and me to step in somehow?” Weir leaned forward across her desk, a concerned expression on her face, and a tilt to her head. “If the situation warrants it, I can order John and Rodney to attend counselling sessions, but there’s not much I can do to force Ronon to go.” “No, no, that is not what I intended. I have an idea for how to rectify the situation, but I will need help from both of you in order to accomplish it.” Weir and Heightmeyer exchanged a glance and, nodding, turned back to Teyla. “Tell us more,” said Heightmeyer. “My people have a tradition, when there is conflict, or simply a group of people who need to be brought together, we convene what we call a talking circle. It gives those involved a chance to be heard in a safe environment and, hopefully, come to a mutual understanding. These circles can go on for weeks and even years, however long as is needed. “No one is ever forced to attend or, once in circle, to speak. Everyone’s participation must be honest and heartfelt, or the circle will not work. The help I need from you is scheduling a time and place to do this. I had thought that Doctor Heightmeyer’s office might be appropriate. I will approach Ronon about attending, but I thought that Doctor McKay and Colonel Sheppard might be more receptive to the idea if one of you were to invite them. It would, perhaps, make it seem more legitimate to them.” “I’d be more than happy to schedule time in my office for the circle, Teyla.” Heightmeyer leaned in, her body language expressing genuine interest. “A number of Earth cultures have similar traditions. I’ve studied a few and even participated in some during college. I can invite the colonel and Doctor McKay and I should be able to explain the process a little, if they have questions beforehand.” “I would appreciate that, Doctor. If you would like to participate in this circle, we could use your services as Keeper to guide our discussions.” “I would be honoured, Teyla.” “Doctor Weir,” Teyla turned to Atlantis’ leader, “I would like to invite you to join us, as well. Though you are not officially part of the team, in many ways I feel you are, and your contribution would be valued.” “Thank you. I’ll be there, so when do we start?”
“... don’t see why I had to come along on this mission. It’s not like we haven’t been here before. It’s been established that the harmless turnip farmers with nothing to offer other than root vegetables are just that: harmless farmers with nothing to offer.”
“Yes,” Rodney drew out the word in the condescending way that always made her want to shake him, “when I’m not being bored out of my mind. I’m an important and very, very busy man. I have better things to fill my time with than making nice with a bunch of dirt farmers. But could I be allowed to do any of those things? No! Our Fearless Leader said the team was going, ergo the whole team had to go.”
The first talking circle was scheduled for that evening. Ronon had already agreed to be there, but she had not heard whether the other two planned to attend or not. She hoped that they would be there and that they would use the opportunity sort out whatever had gone wrong between them. Preferably, before they drove her insane and she killed them both.
Teyla was surprised when she arrived at Dr. Heightmeyer’s office to find that Rodney was already there. He lifted one hand and gave her a tight smile along with a finger-waggling wave from where he was seated on the floor next to Heightmeyer. She had lifted her own hand in greeting and moved to sit next to him. “I am pleased you decided to come, Rodney.” Teyla smiled at him and touched his shoulder lightly. He, in turn, shrugged and said, “Yes, well, when have you ever known me to have trouble talking?” She kindly did not point out that he often seemed to have difficulty with the more personal forms of communication.
The first circle was taken up with explaining the general process of the circle, the use of the talking piece to denote who was allowed to speak, and coming to an agreement on parameters and values that needed to be respected in future sessions. Rodney said very little during it all, curling in on himself a bit when it became clear that Sheppard would not be joining them. Surprisingly, Ronon had a great deal to say, so at least the circle was not completely dominated by the women. By the time the session ended, Teyla had a mixed feeling of accomplishment and foreboding. While it seemed as though there would be a good chance that the group would be able to learn to connect and communicate more effectively with one another, she couldn’t help but think that any success would come with a large qualification if Sheppard continued to remain aloof.
Rodney had been holding the talking piece for almost a minute, now, and he had yet to say a word. Teyla couldn’t see his face from where she sat opposite him on the circle, but she could see his hands. His fingers traced the vining pattern on the carved wooden sphere as he turned it in his grip, causing the interior ball to roll within. The sphere had been carved for her by her father, who had told her it represented harmony. She wondered what it represented for Rodney right now.
“That’s why I decided to come to these sessions, I think. I ... I don’t ... it’s like my mind never managed to reset from grieving mode, and I thought, maybe this would help convince me you’re really alive.” He handed the piece on to Weir, who began explaining why she wanted to be part of the circle. She spoke of concern for the team and the honour of being invited to be a part of the circle. It was nothing that Teyla was unaware of, and she found herself considering what Rodney had said instead. She knew that Rodney cared more for others than he was generally comfortable admitting to. She also knew that he hadn’t dealt with death on such a regular basis before he’d arrived in her galaxy. It was difficult for her to imagine anyone his age having so little experience with loss, but she could see that the sudden introduction to it had taken its toll on him. This latest incident was not the first time he’d been lead to believe that one of his team mates, one of his friends, had been killed and then disabused of the notion moments later. The transition from grief to joy was difficult enough to make once, doing it as often as Rodney had could only be deeply tiring. Still, Teyla couldn’t help but think there was more to his extreme irascibility as of late than that. She was missing part of the puzzle and could only hope that it would be uncovered as the circle progressed.
“I don’t care if you’re done or not. We’re leaving. Now get back to the jumper, Rodney.” “Fine. Don’t think I won’t be letting Elizabeth know about your criminal disregard for the amount of extremely useful information I might have been able to extract from this database.” From where she sat in the co-pilot’s seat, Teyla could see Sheppard clench his jaw and fist as he took a deep breath before responding. “You can make your case to Elizabeth when we get home, and if she agrees with you, I’m sure she’ll let you come back and finish. Right now, you need to do what I tell you to in a timely fashion, or I’ll order Ronon to pick you up and carry you back.” Rodney muttered something before he cut the connection on the radio, and Teyla turned to Sheppard in confusion. “Who is Napoleon?” Sheppard sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. “He was this really short emperor of a country called France on Earth. He...” Sheppard paused, pinching at the bridge of his nose. “Let’s just say McKay wasn’t paying me a compliment, okay?” The explanation was only marginally enlightening, but Teyla chose not to pursue it further. “You and Doctor McKay are still having ... difficulties.” “I always have difficulties with Rodney.” Sheppard was focused on his pre-flight routine, his expression a perfect blank, and his tone the studied lightness that Teyla often found so frustrating. He was deflecting, and no matter how familial her relations with her team felt at times, Teyla had to remind herself that he was not, in fact, her brother and she could not simply swat him when he did such things. “You have had disagreements and you banter, but the two of you are usually friendlier, more like ... what is the phrase Doctor Weir uses? partners in crime, than you have been of late.” Sheppard made no reply to that, and she gently continued. “I would never want to pressure you, but I do think you might find it beneficial to come to the circle sometime. You are always welcome anytime you wish to join us.” “Would I have to say anything?” Sheppard finally looked at her, green eyes wary. “No.” He held her gaze for a few moments longer, eyes flicking away to the jumper’s console as Rodney’s complaining voice became audible outside the jumper. “I’ll think about it.”
Sheppard showed up for the second circle meeting after Teyla had her talk with him in the jumper. Ronon merely raised an eyebrow and grunted out a greeting to his team leader. Teyla and Weir both smiled at him as he sat down between them. Heightmeyer leaned over to greet Sheppard and quickly outline for him how the circle worked. Rodney came in a couple of minutes later, apologies for his lateness tumbling from his lips before he was fully in the room, and stopped dead at the sight of Sheppard. He was so still for a moment that Teyla wasn’t even certain he was still breathing. Rodney’s blue eyes were wide with shock and something she couldn’t quite decipher. After a moment, his right hand came up, wringing at thin air, but he still didn’t move from his spot just inside the door.
“Um, hey.” His hand stopped wringing long enough for a little wave, and Rodney moved to sit in the open space between Heightmeyer and Ronon. “What... Why are you here?” Teyla wasn’t sure, but she thought Sheppard flinched at that. If it was there, the flinch was turned into a loose shrug as he said, “I had the evening free.” She craned her neck to try to see Sheppard’s expression, but the difference in their heights was magnified by their sitting positions since all of his height was in his torso and all of hers in her legs, and she couldn’t quite tell how it would look from Rodney’s perspective. She suspected that it was infuriatingly bland, if the shift of Rodney’s expression from baffled to guarded was anything to go by.
“Given yesterday’s events,” said Heightmeyer, “I thought we might start the circle today by asking what everyone’s reactions were to what happened.”
To Teyla’s right, Weir accepted the talking piece from Ronon with a smile. To her left Rodney sat gaping at him, eyes round with surprise. She caught Sheppard, sitting just beyond Rodney, looking at the other man with a sort of amused affection. Teyla quickly turned her focus back to Weir, not wanting to embarrass Sheppard by letting him know she’d seen.
Weir placed the talking piece in Teyla’s hand, and she closed her fingers over it. “I was very worried yesterday. At first, the worry was that we would not be able to get the colonel back at all. Once Doctor McKay realised the nature of the field, the worry was that, even if we did discover a way to retrieve the colonel, that the rescue would be too late for him. I know that I was not alone in this. “However, I wish to make it clear that my concern was because of the situation. I thought Doctor McKay handled it well.” She looked over at Sheppard and Rodney. “You would have been proud of him, Colonel.” Rodney had turned decidedly pink by the time she handed the talking piece off to him. He muttered a quiet thanks to her and then stared down at the floor for a few moments. When he looked up again, there was still an extra tinge of colour in his cheeks, but he was more composed. “Um, Ronon, apology accepted. I, ah ... um ... people don’t usually apologise to me. It – it felt nice, but really, you had every right to be angry with me. I was angry with myself. It was all my fault. I should have been paying attention. If I’d paid attention, I would have noticed the time differential on the tape and the drained battery on the camcorder and I never would have let anyone walk through that field. I’m just glad we found a solution as quickly as we did. Six months is a long time, but it’s better than a year or more.”
Sheppard seemed to be at a loss as to what to do and he ended up just saying, “It wasn’t your fault.” Rodney didn’t move except to frown a little, the corner of his mouth dipping sharply down. “McKay.” Sheppard reached out to tug at his sleeve. “Hey, Rodney, look at me, will ya? You look like a pill bug. That can’t be good for your back.” Another tug, and Rodney sat up, turning to face Sheppard. “That’s better. Rodney, it wasn’t your fault. Even if you’d realised that the field caused time-dilation, there’s no reason to think I wouldn’t have gone through anyway. It would have been my call, not yours. You still wouldn’t have known that it was going to suck me in and not let me out again. The only thing that would have changed was I would have known why it was taking you guys so long to come and get me. Which, you know, I probably should have guessed when it took so long just to get the canteens and PowerBars.”
Finally, she thought as Sheppard began to speak about his experiences within the time-dilation field, things are moving in the right direction.
The sound of Sheppard’s and Rodney’s voices raised in argument slowed her steps. Teyla was conflicted. Should she keep moving forward and interrupt, saving them from having anyone else stumble upon their argument, or should she change her course through Atlantis’ corridors to give them what privacy she could? She stayed just around the bend from them, locked in place by indecision.
“But once you found the supplies from the jumper, did you ever stop and think that setting up house with your half-ascended girlfriend wasn’t the best idea?” There was a pause into which Teyla almost stepped, but she thought that it might be more important for them to have this out than to ensure their privacy. When Sheppard didn’t respond, Rodney continued with, “No, I didn’t think so.” “That’s not fair. I mourned you, Rodney.” “No,” Rodney’s voice was so sharp, Teyla flinched back even though it was not directed at her, “you gave up on me. You always give up on me.”
“Um, Teyla, hi.” “Colonel.” She turned to look down the corridor after Rodney and then turned back to Sheppard. “It would appear that Doctor McKay is upset about something.” “Yeah, well, you know Rodney... Um, I have some paperwork I need to get done.” He started backing away, pointing over his shoulder. “I’ll catch you later.” Sheppard spun around, walking quickly back the way he’d come and leaving her staring after him in consternation. So much for moving in the right direction. “I’ve noticed,” began Heightmeyer, talking piece resting in quiet hands, “that the events surrounding the team’s encounter with Ford and his men keep coming up in conversation during the circle each week.” Rodney was to Teyla’s right, between her and Heightmeyer, and she could feel him tense next to her. Ronon sat to her left, seemingly unconcerned by the topic, and Sheppard was seated just beyond him. Weir was giving Sheppard a concerned glance, and Teyla wondered if he had tensed as well. “I’d like to send the talking piece around and hear what everyone thinks about why that is.” Heightmeyer handed the piece to Rodney, whose face had taken on a slightly pinched expression. “Well, I mean, aside from the whole still occasionally feeling the effects of enzyme addiction thing, the whole,” Rodney waved both hands around as if he could pull the word he was looking for from the air, “incident with Ford was just like taking a magnifying glass to the whole team dynamic, wasn’t it. There are our intrepid space heroes,” he made a motion encompassing her, Ronon and Sheppard, “who can escape from Wraith and drug junkies all at the same time, and then there’s me. I freak out and fix things but otherwise I’m pretty useless. “I – I tried to rescue you guys, you know. Turned out, I didn’t need to. You rescued yourselves. It was stupid and pointless. Shouldn’t have bothered, but I was so, so worried. I just knew something had gone wrong and I thought you needed my help. “You know what I did, right? To rescue you? Shot myself full of that filth. A whole bottle. I was so strong, but I couldn’t think. Had to talk myself though getting home, step by step. Then I spent all the time I could have been doing something to actually help screaming and crying and gibbering like a madman in the infirmary. Someone had to have told you about that, right, because you never asked me about how I got back.” Rodney shifted to look straight at Sheppard, his chin lifting in a familiar, defiant gesture. “You never said anything about it. I risked my brain, my brain, Colonel, to mount a rescue for you. Yes, it was ultimately an empty gesture, but I made it, and you never acknowledged it. Not even with as much as a ‘glad you got home safe, Rodney.’ “Anyway, that’s why I think it keeps coming up. For my part, at least.”
Ronon took the piece from her and said, “Me, too,” before passing it on to Sheppard.
“I didn’t say anything to you about it, Rodney, because I was angry. I was angry that you risked yourself that way – I saw what Ford went through during withdrawal. I knew how dangerous it was, especially considering how badly you reacted to the smaller doses. I was also angry because it looked to me like you didn’t trust us, didn’t trust me to come back for you.” He paused for a moment, and Teyla snuck a look back at Rodney, who was frowning at Sheppard with a look of irritated confusion. “I’m in command. I’m supposed to be taking care of people, but it seems like all I’ve been doing lately is letting people down, first Ford, then you when I let him take you hostage... See, I had it all planned after I got safely away from that Hive ship. I was going to come back to Atlantis, get Teyla and Ronon squared away with the doc, and then take a jumper and a small army back to Ford’s hidey-hole to rescue you. But no sooner do I say to Elizabeth that I need to talk to Lorne so we can so get you, then she’s telling me that I can’t see Lorne because he’s on the Daedalus and that I don’t need to go get you because you’re there with him. “Then, then I get told the, I suspect highly edited, story of how you overdosed, came home, went through withdrawal, and then went out looking for us with my XO and Caldwell. I know it’s stupid and irrational, but that just really pissed me off, and then I got pissed at myself for being pissed, and it all went downhill from there. “I got to thinking that maybe it was my fault anyway if you didn’t trust me, what with letting Ford get you addicted and then letting him hold you hostage and being kind of a jackass for a while after Doranda. Another example of me being angry with myself, by the way. It seemed like we were finally starting to, I don’t know, recover from that and then I went and fucked up again... It seemed like you were mad at me too, sometimes, and it just seemed easier to pull back, you know, give you some space.” He shrugged, eyes flickering between Rodney and the talking piece. “Half the time, that only seemed to make you madder, and then I just didn’t know what to do.” Expression twisted with the irony, he smiled at Rodney and said, “I kinda suck at actual personal relationships. “So, yeah, it wasn’t that what you did didn’t matter. It mattered a lot. I just didn’t process it very well, and I’m sorry if that hurt you. I never want to hurt you.”
John Sheppard was whistling. Teyla could not recall ever having heard him do so before. The tune was fast and cheerful, and when she raised a questioning eyebrow at him, he waggled his eyebrows back at her and whistled louder. Up ahead of them, Rodney stopped, head coming up from the scanner he’d been intent on, turning to fix Sheppard with an incredulous stare. “Are you whistling songs from the Mikado?” Sheppard kept walking, and whistling, until he’d drawn even with Rodney. “Maybe.” He grinned and bounced slightly on the balls of his feet. “Huh.”
“You like Gilbert and Sullivan?” Sheppard asked. “I may have been known to enjoy their work on occasion, yes,” Rodney replied with mock-hauteur. “Huh.” “What?” “Just had you figured as more of a Mozart kind of guy, Rodney. All that math and precision.” Sheppard’s eyebrows jumped once again, and he slipped his sunglasses on with a pleased smirk. He patted Rodney on the shoulder and ambled off in the direction Rodney had been leading them before, leaving the scientist with a bewildered expression on his half-slack face. Ronon moved forward from her side to stand next to Rodney, who had turned to watch Sheppard walk away, but hadn’t moved otherwise. “You gonna just let him wander off like that, McKay? Could get us lost, you know.” “Wha...” Rodney shook himself a little and answered Ronon without ever taking his eyes off the colonel. “Oh, bad sense of direction, Sheppard. Right. I’ll just...” He wiggled the fingers of his free hand and clutched the scanner tighter in the other before doing a little bounce and taking off after Sheppard with his peculiar tilting walk. Ronon turned back to her with a grin and a shrug. Teyla returned the grin with a little eye roll and began following Sheppard and Rodney, who were now shoulder to shoulder as they moved across the grassy plain. Ronon fell into step beside her, and she enjoyed the sense of well-being that came from knowing that her little family was functioning well together again.
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